Nice people don't have boundaries.

When I was growing up and much younger, I used to believe that nice people don't have

boundaries and that it was rude to have preferences, let alone communicate them. My most used and automatic word was "sorry". I apologized for EVERYTHING, it came at the end of practically every sentence I uttered.

Another response I had that drove everyone crazy when they asked me a question was "I don't mind". I thought I was being helpful, kind, non- confrontational and couldn't see why people got so frustrated with me when they'd ask "Tea or coffee?" "Would you like some cake?" "Do you want to go to a movie?' and l'd reply "I don't mind". It gave people the impression that I didn't care, was disinterested and unexcited and that I had total apathy to life.

It was not just frustrating for people, but it felt rude to them. It was like they were trying to give me a gift and I kept handing it back to them. Yet in my head, I was trying to be as least problematic as possible. I didn't want to be a problem, create resistance or confrontation or do anything that might make someone else feel uncomfortable or dislike me. Just reading this back as I write this is actually stirring up something in my stomach, and I have tears in my eyes. I know now that this is so obviously classic behavior of someone with very low self esteem, who lives in fear and feels like they have to apologize for simply existing. It's a total trauma response and when you understand this, you can recognize it very quickly in

others.

You maybe reading this and it's hitting home for you too. If so, stick with me. There is a way to resolve this and being on the other side of it feels SO freeing. Like a lot of people that I've met ever since then, who really struggle with doing too much for people, I used to believe that a boundary is something that you inflict on someone. It's like a weapon, something you do to someone to hurt them. When you're a nice person who doesn't want to be mean to anybody and doesn't wanna be the bad guy, the LAST thing you want to do is inflict something painful onto somebody else, right? But I came to realize that boundaries are not a weapon. You don't go round inflicting them on people like a dictator. They are simply a transfer of power. Because the universal fact is, no one has any control over me, and I don't have any control over you, or anybody.

Without boundaries, we give our power away, and other people just keep taking it. We think

we don't have or need boundaries, but we sure know when one has been crossed don't we? It's when we get upset or triggered. We have an unspoken expectation of someone or something and when that doesn't go the way we want, thought or expected we get upset that the thing or person is trying to purposely hurt us. We create a whole story about it in our minds where we are the victim being hurt. We feel the feels. Then we act out according to that story and then our action causes a reaction from outside of us and so the pattern begins.

We have soooooo many unrealized and uncommunicated expectations that we are not even aware of and wonder why life feels so hard and disappointing...which perpetuates our victim

story even more!! Crazy eh!! So a really simple way to make life feel a lot calmer, less overwhelming and more pleasurable is to get really clear on the things you want and don't want in your life and to then to communicate that. I know...your stomach just dropped again. "I can't tell people what I want!! They'll be mad at me! They'll be upset!" etc.

Again, these are all steps that need to be thought through and considered when you first start to do this and take your power back. Once you've done that part, boundaries will just roll off your tongue instantly whenever you feel the need to communicate them, without fear or hesitation. The good news is I have personally worked through this at length and created a short 30 minute workshop to help you with it too.

This is something I really wish someone would have shared with me when I was a kid and held my hand through it. That is why I have devoted my life to creating simple tools to help you step back into your personal power if life dealt you some harsh moments and you got lost along the way.

If you have questions or comments I'd love to hear them and if you want to get started on regulating your nervous system, feeling worthy and getting back in control of your life again, whether at home or work, then click here to immediately download my Banish Bullshi* with Boundaries class.

I'll see you on the other side!

- Kirstey